I went to see The Lovely Bones with my friends Emma and Amy. I was looking forward to it because:
a) I like Emma and Amy,
b) I hadn't been to the cinema for ages,
c) I wanted to be able to be smug because I don't have to pay full price for cinema tickets whereas they do because they're 15 and I'm 14,
and d) we have a family friend with the same name as the main character so I could chuckle all the way through, happily pondering the hilarity of this coincidence.
We went into the film with plenty of time to spare so I read an article about Alistair Darling on the Guardian app on my iPod while Emma and Amy talked about things like pop music. Or something similar. I wasn't really listening. Then the film began....
Unfortunately, some annoying people at the back of the cinema chose that moment to start giggling and shouting about something or other. It was very tedious and I was agitated by the quality of their grammar. It was appalling! Then a woman turned around and started shouting at them and saying that she wanted to watch the film because she had paid for it. This provoked more giggling but they eventually settled down. Good.
Now the main problem I have with this film is its creepy-ness all the way through!!! It started off with the main character going on and on about her death and trying to make you suspect certain people before saying that actually it wasn't them, it was this person - no actually it was this person... or was it THIS person? No it wasn't. These attempts did not succeed and just left me feeling rather confused which is not the best way to start a film in my humble opinion. We then had to endure the boring, wet, annoying scenes of adolescent love. Yes - the main character fancied a boy and oh no, he doesn't know she exists! Oh yes he does. Now they're talking to each other and he's going all lovey-dovey and quiet and - ooh they're almost kissing! Oh dear, someone's burst in and broken the moment. I felt myself thinking, 'who cares?' while everyone on screen was looking sad and awkward as though it was the end of the world. Those sort of moments have been done over and over again in films and on television. Its got so boring!
Then there was a spooky bit with a big field and a scary man and an underground den. Then it cut to the protagonist's family wondering where she had got to. Again, that's been done so many times. Then lots of other things happen and the police decide she is dead while the murderer consoles the
family and then goes back to playing with a dolls house. I didn't really see the point of the dolls house. It didn't seem to serve any purpose other than allowing the film makers to do some clever camera shots through the miniature windows and doors.
And then some other stuff happens (I wont specify because I can't be bothered and some people might still want to see this film so I don't want to give to much away. But my advice to them is: Don't.) Then we get to see the afterlife. As my favourite film critic Mark Kermode said, it looks like something from Super Mario Galaxy. It actually does. There are spherical fields and seas and enormous ships in bottles, (oh yeah, the main character's dad has an obsession with making ships in bottles. Don't ask me why. He just does.) there's even a magical tree.
In my opinion, no one should even attempt to put the afterlife on screen because everyone has a different idea of what it is. Personally, I don't think the afterlife exists - just like God doesn't exist. I believe that when you die, you just stop. Your brain shuts down and that's it. It's fine for other people to believe in heaven and paradise and stuff and I wish them well but this is how I see things and I am confident enough of my opinion that death doesn't really worry me. Not my death anyway. Hmm, this review has got rather morbid. But I suppose that sums up The Lovely Bones. It is a horribly morbid film.
But the thing I really hated about this film was that I was allowed to watch it. I shouldn't have been allowed in, it should have been a 15. Not a 12A - a 15. I am 2 years above the recommended age limit and I have been completely traumatised by this creepy film. There's one scene where the evil guy is in a bath, cleaning up after murdering the girl, and there's blood and mud everywhere. First of all, it is disgusting! Now that would be okay if the scene was justified, but there doesn't seem to be any point to it. It doesn't add anything to the film, it just doesn't fit. All three of us were confused by that one scene. It's not explained properly and it just adds unnecessary gore and confusion. And the fact that this film scared me certainly doesn't make it a good film! It's a rubbish film with a stupid set-up, a very confusing storyline and a rubbish script. The actors did their best, the creepy man (played by Stanley Tucci I think) was brilliant - he alone is the reason I can no longer feed the rabbit in my garden in the dark without someone next to me or watching from a window. But even exemplary actors could not make up for the poor camera work, lack of interesting plot and stupid film cliches. And I talk about exemplary acting, but the main actress was awful! She was wingey, boring and wet. The voiceover all the way through the film was agonising! I was literally cringing in my seat!
So as you may have gathered, I didn't like this film. I am told that the book is good but creepy, however I have no intention of reading it because I'm only just about getting over my fear of evil child murderers - 3 months after I saw the film (very, very late review - I apologise) As I have said, the one good thing about this film is the spectacular performance by the guy who plays the evil murderer guy. His performance really freaked me out which from an acting point of view, can only be a good thing. Except he's not the one having to feed the rabbit in the dark every night, convinced that there is an axe-murderer hiding in the shadows of the bushes *shiver*.
So yes, good evil guy, terrible film. That is all. Goodnight!
